Who am I or What am I? Can Anybody Tell Me?

Three years I've been working here in Doha for the same company, and over and over I ask myself "who am I in this company?" and "what am i for them?" or whatever....

I don't know if people understand me at all, but if you need a certain place, or I mean, a position, the right designation, or... actually, I don't even know what's in my mind right now. Maybe things in this company has to change for the better, for the progress of itself, and everybody else working for it. I applied as a graphic designer and got hired, my salary increased after four months, and my boss kept telling everyone that I am professional. "WOW!" that's what I thought. But how come he didn't even bother to promote me or call me as a "senior graphic designer"? Am I going to be known as a "graphic designer" all my life?? NO WAY! Now, I hope someone got my point.

Until now, I'm still this ordinary "graphic designer" in this company and it disappoints me a lot. Position, if that's how it's called, it matters to me, it's important. It is a sign of achievement, a progress, a growth from something you started as a simple, ordinary human being looking for a job, who turned out to be a professional, a well experienced one in your career. Position or role is necessary to help us get a better job in the future. Being called as a "senior" or "final artist" or "art director" in my field is something to be proud of. At present, I have done like tons of good designs that my boss have appreciated and loved. I've presented him ideas, and other things that the company have benefited from me. I've done paper works for him, as in everything he told me, I did. My salary increased again, and still, I am an ordinary "graphic designer".

No way, as in NO WAY! I'm not gonna stay here forever and be just that. He has to give me a position, at least call me as a junior artist. But hell no, he never call anyone of us or he never put us a place to supervise, a position or role to act like one. He never had a senior graphic designer, a supervisor, a team leader, an art or creative director.... We sit in front of our computers everyday doing this and that, and that's it. So if ever a customer will look for the head of the graphics department or sumthin' like that, my boss will just make a wild guess whoever that is! Imagine that?!

I honestly feel so bad about it. I have nothing to be proud of. I can't tell my friends that I am a supervisor or director, or whatever. Gosh, if I'll be here for ten years, and I will suddenly apply in America, they will say, "for ten years, you were just an artist?" Is it formal to answer, "duh? position in doha does not exist. like you know what I mean?" Well, I don't think so. I can't say that in Doha, it does not exist, coz it does. Maybe saying that in my company, yes it never existed at all.

So there, position means a lot to me. For three years now, I'm still wondering who and what am I in this company. I want to focus on what should I really do. If I am just a junior artist, then I will not do those paper works anymore. It's not my job. I'm not a secretary. If I am the art director, I will continue what I am doing now for the company and exert more effort, be more productive. If I am the manager, I will fire those who aren't performing well!

Letter to Kobe

Dear Kobe,

How are you feeling now? How's heaven? I'm so sorry I wasn't there to help you ease the pain. I know that holding hands, well, if your feet are hands, can somehow make you feel better. I couldn't rush you to your stupid vet, he's so stupid for not seeing your sickness a bit early. Antibiotics and other vitamins are not enough. Yes, kobe, he's stupid! I'm sorry, I couldn't kill him now for you (kobe, you know I'm not that mean. right?) hehe....

I will never forget you. See, the first time I saw you, I jumped with joy! I couldn't take the grin away. Remember we used to sleep together? What's more beautiful in those nights were the times you always sleep on my chest. You're so tiny that I couldn't keep my eyes off you. I was scared that you might fall while I'm asleep. Yes, you had skin allergy that time, and I got affected with it, that I had no choice but to keep myself apart from you. You had to get medication and I thought I will lose you forever. A few weeks later you were doing great, and I was so happy to have you back home. And then, all we had were wonderful moments together!

You had your first haircut, wow! You looked so great! I know you hated your blue ribbons so much that they put on your hair, but still, you are the cutest I've ever seen! You were afraid that we might leave you to those strangers brushing you hair, of course, I'm not gonna do that! Do you remember one time when you had another haircut and all you wanted was to get back home? It took us a long time to get a cab, and when we found one, you insisted to get the ride, the driver was shocked to see you climbing the front seat, saying like, "please, please, take us home!" Hah! if you didn't charm the driver, probably, it took us waiting another hour for a cab. I know travelling makes you so exhausted, I'm sorry... but we had fun right? Tasha is dying to take your place. You are very lucky, kobe, very lucky....

Every time I say goodbye to you, it always make me sad. I don't want to be apart from you. I'm sorry for not spending 3 years with you, but every time I get to have my vacation leave, you and tasha and kookai are the happiest to see me, right? I am more grateful to be back home with the three of you. You don't know exactly how I feel when I'm not with you. I will miss you so much.

Anyway, did you see my baby Kookai? I'm sure she's gonna take good care of you. Kelly is there too, and of course the others. Don't worry, things are better there. You will play all the time. All of you are going to wait for me, right? Please tell lola that we are all doing just fine. You tell her about the floods we always experience. Please tell her to help us stop worrying from experiencing that Ondoy typhoon again. Remember Kookai almost drowned to death?

Kobe, thanks for making me very happy. Mom is happier to have you. Thanks for taking care of our house, of Miyu while she sleeps. Thanks for making me smile every morning when you wake me up. Thanks for always sitting beside me, I felt you love me so much too. Thanks for waiting for me and mom whenever we go out to buy something, you were always waiting patiently at the door. The sound of the tricycle coming near our house tells you it's mom, wow! Unbelievable! Thanks for showing us you care... Your smile, those endless licks, I know you missed us, yes, we missed you too. Kobe, of course, thanks for loving my salad. You were always there hurrying me while I'm still preparing, as if you're the hungriest of them all.

For five years, I know you were in pain. That skin allergy gave you sleepless nights, I know how hard it was for you. Every time Tasha will play with you, I know it hurts you when she accidentally bite you with force, and throws you away, sort of like making you fly, you know, she just wants you to run as fast as she could! Forgive her for accidentally making your eyes popped out, it was pure accident, sorry for that. Thanks for enduring the pain, for your stupid veterinarian stitched your eyes without any anesthesia. I will really kill him someday. Thanks for everything!

I love you Kobe babes, the memory of you will always bring me to tears. I will never forget you.

Love,
Tet

2011: Unending Disasters, Here and There?

It's been three long months since New Year's Eve, and all I can remember are days of unending disasters from here til there... And so I thought, what's so wrong with the world today? I couldn't find any answer, except the fact that the word "change" still means the same.

We always say that nothing is permanent in the world but "change". I agree with it for obviously, we always get a year older every after 12 months. We gain weight, then we lose after taking proper diet. We go to school, we leave, we find new friends, we buy new mobile phones... I liked pink, then purple, then I realized I love both, then now I feel I like something else... People change, technology change. And maybe, nature felt it's the right time to cry all her tears out, and release her anger for she couldn't hold on to her temper anymore. I may be crazy to think this way, but really, sometimes, I think I'm right, I've got a point in there.

In the studio, people keep trying to do the same routine even when things are clearly wrong. They change into someone who pretend to hear and see nothing. I can't believe that they are this stupid.

In Japan, people eat dolphins? I saw a video regarding this. I can't believe how foolish they are to kill a helpless dolphin. These are as good as our pets, they can be trained, they have brains to do tricks... So how can these people eat them?

In China, people eat infants? I am not sure if this is true but videos about this is spread on the internet and I am so upset with these heartless people. They are inhuman. And the world should stop these people from doing this stupid habit of killing? of eating babies? Oh my God, I can't believe this!

In the middle east, misunderstandings in the country of Saudi Arabia, and Libya resulted to war, death of innocent people, and lost of homes. For whatever reason they have, I don't know, but can't they find peace in their hearts? Don't they ever wish to have a peaceful life, to have a safe place to live in? Why not talk about their problems over a nice cup of coffee? Why should they bring out weapons to fight for what they think is right? Can't they have a normal life, like the rest of the world? Or is war part of their normal life? I don't think this is normal for them. Life is better if people would talk calmly, no guns, no weapons, no whatsoever. Arab countries should help their "confused" neighbors to find peace and love in their hearts.

In the world, people keep developing new gadgets. Wow, this is so cool! But come to think about it, we tend to forget how wonderful it is to live a simple life, that we can live without these high-tech gadgets out in the market today. Homes are built on earthquake-prone areas, near the ocean, actually almost everywhere. People cut trees, put houses on mountain tops, when we should know it's not safe to do this at all.

People keep studying earth, maybe unconsciously, we are hurting the universe. According to the recent Chinese astrology, the stars moved which led to the changing of the horoscope. Then we saw the "supermoon". These are proofs that the world is really changing because people try to change the world. I don't know if you get what I mean, but for me, these earthquakes, tsunami, radiation, these are happening because we keep interrupting the nature's own course. Nature has its own way of changing, and people should not try to change nature in our own way.

Maybe God is trying to tell us to stop making our own creations, for what He did is the only perfect thing in the world. I am trying to teach the goodness I know in my heart, hoping someday, people would realize what I've realized. One day, these disasters will end, and I hope, it doesn't mean it is the end of the world.

Photolive Happenings: Another Sad Story

There's nothing more I can write about tonight than what I'm feeling inside. My head keeps thinking about the recent happenings at the studio and it still makes me feel upset and disappointed because people really sometimes do not have the brains to understand simple things.

We have the same language, the same race. We work at the same place and we have the same job. But even if we have a lot of things in common, the words, "misunderstanding", "inequality", and "stupidity" still exist.

I am trying my best to do what I am supposed to do. I may look "bossy" for some other people because I usually make the first move in promoting a task or something like that, opening ideas or whatever, but in another point of view, it's what I simply call "sense of leadership" that runs in my personality. I don't want to just sit and wait for someone who will do what is right and just. What if no one comes and volunteer himself? If it wouldn't be me, who would be brave enough to talk, to speak up, to fight, to say what is right, to let others know that they are wrong and stupid? No one. No one can ever do that because they don't have concern at all. They don't mind other people's business because they don't care. Even if things are obviously wrong, they will not fix things and make it right because they don't care. They don't care because they benefit from these "wrong" things. But how about the other people who are not benefiting from those "wrong" things? The reason why I am trying to make things right is that everyone else will benefit from the "good" thing, and nobody will ever try to take advantage again from the "wrong" one.

It's so hard to work when you have people around you who do not understand you at all and who only care for themselves. If being selfish will be the only thing who would make things in the studio easy, still, I wouldn't change myself into that "ugly-selfish-monster" just to survive working here abroad. As how I love to quote myself, "I live because I have to do something good, and I know I have to teach others to do the same."

There. I guess I've somehow said it all.